He told her to open her eyes real wide and look at the ceiling without blinking, always the eternal optometrist.

If you want to be prepared to offer a writing utensil or make a note, then you should always keep a pen in your purse. Suggestion also applies if you like to be randomly stabbed in the hand.

Oh, Thanksgiving-- when Americans celebrate their gratitude by overindulging in an excess of food and watching obese men (named after the group of people who actually taught us how to survive in the wilderness of what we thought was India before we killed them with our crazy white man diseases) pummel each other for entertainment.
I'm thankful for: people named John Smith.

People who practice singing scales before noon on a Saturday morning in an apartment complex full of college students are quite clearly calling for help that they have a deathwish.

This is what is wrong with the male gender:
Today I walked into a unisex bathroom that had both a urinal and a toilet.
The toilet seat was left up. Enough said.

"Okayy, I'm sorry I ever insinuated that you were anything less than incredibly brilliant."
"Insinuated? You said that what I said was the dumbest sack of shit you'd ever heard speak in your entire life."
"I said I'm sorry, maybe that's hard for you to comprehend, you dense ball of matter."

"Why do you like me?" she asked as he was gazing into her eyes.
"Because you are beautiful, intelligent and amazing-- I think you are the most wonderful person in the entire world," he answered as he took her hand. "Why do you like me?"
"Because you are so right."

If I said you had a very soft looking puppy, would you hold it against me?

"I don't think it's too much to ask that you be considerate and at least civil to my friends," he said.
"Yea, I guess so," she consented.
"Then an apology would be appropriate?" he suggested.
"I mean..."
"If you were sorry, you would apologize," he reasoned.
"Okay."
"Alright then. I think we'd all like to hear that," he replied as he motioned toward a row of his carefully lined up beanie babies.

If I were you I'd be really confused because that hasn't happened in a while.

She looked surpised.
"You believe in me? That is the nicest thing you have said to me in a long time. You believe in me. You believe in me."
"Hm. Maybe you misheard me. I'm leaving you," he said and continued packing his suitcases.
"You believe in me. You believe in me," she continued repeating, amazed at the power of those words.
"That's not what I said," he said again.
"I love you too!" she gushed and hugged him from behind as he began zipping up his luggage.

Life is always changing. Nothing lasts forever. This constant change teaches us not to hold on too tightly to the temporary happinesses though it can be extraordinarily difficult to emotionally separate ourselves. Just yesterday I had a glittery green pen that smelled like tootsie roll, today gone. Once I find it though, I'll have to learn this lesson all over again.

The best faces in the world are not found on magazine covers but on the people walking down the street in forty miles per hour winds. Hair flailing in the wind, teeth bared, it's all so beautiful.

From "The Manual to Life"

Midterms
Flashcards are a helpful way to learn new information.
When approaching a deadline, it is often useful to come up with time-saving techniques.
Going through flashcards in the bathroom may seem like a creative way to combine these two concepts, but keep in mind it saves you time only if you do not accidentally flush them.

"I was thinking about this-- you know what I love more than you?" he asked, moving the hair away from her forehead.
"Nothing?" she guessed, gazing into his eyes.
"That's what I thought," he said, "but turns out, oatmeal."

I think a really good way to organize closet space is to categorize different items into groups, alphabetize those groups and then put all your stuff in its place so that when the next person opens the door everything comes crashing to the ground.

In some spanish speaking countries, the word for women's underwear is "calzones". That is correct, it is the same word they use to refer to the Italian dish "calzone". If you're ever in South America eating Italian food, make sure to specify that you want garlic bread with your women's underwear.

There is nothing more amazing than pure cockiness mixed with slippery sidewalk.

"Being with you is like calculus," she said.
"Because I'm advanced and complex?" he asked.
"Because you're confusing and I hate you," she answered and finished writing her proof.

Your presence is an acquired taste.

Steal like no one is watching.
Talk like no one is listening.
Eat like you've never been fed.
Live as though heaven is on earth.

Why do companies always write "Please open other side" on the side of the cracker box I just opened? They should really pay more attention to their labeling. Consumers are smart and won't settle for such incompetency.

It's an amazing feeling when you discover the other lonely sock in the drawer. Then you realize you have matching socks that have just been reunited after a long time apart. And it's like wow, a pair of socks. And it's also kind of like love. Except you that know it'll last, at least until the next laundry day, which is sometimes more than can be said for love.

"I don't care if you wanted it or not," her mother told her, "you be grateful for what you get and you write those thank you notes."

Dear Donald,

I'm glad you could come to my party.
Thank you for the mono.

Part of living life is understanding and accepting our own limitations as human beings. Though we may think we can do everything and anything imaginable, our own humanity can sometimes restrict us. For example, there is only so much straight Cool Whip a person can handle. At times the full comprehension of our boundaries can be very upsetting, emotionally and also digestively.

His toenails were carefully painted a beautiful shade of intrigue.

"I'm just asking your opinion." She said after finishing her story, shifting weight from one hip to the other and adjusting her clothing.
"I'm just trying hard not to judge you, you stupid bitch." She replied, grateful she could finally be both honest and nonjudgemental.

The second pie to the face is never as good as the first. I share this wisdom with you because the Dali Lama is currently working the private college speaking circuit and working on his rap label. Keep in mind that true peace only comes when nobody is looking. And then BAM! pie to the face.

There are moments in your life when you know there must be a greater plan and a higher power. Like when I just now received a phone call from a dear woman who informed me that I won the "Guess the Pumpkin's Weight" contest-- I know someone is looking out for me.

Today as I was walking across campus, out of the corner of my eye I saw something jump. It was the biggest and weirdest looking squirrel I had ever seen. It was very strange and didn't have the usual bushy tail of a squirrel, but a long sleek tail and green eyes. It had short stripey fur, unlike any I've seen on a squirrel before. It was much bigger than any squirrel I've ever seen, about the size of a cat, even with cat ears. Very, very odd squirrel.