random thoughts

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

I can't help it if my thinking cap is dark red velvet with flowers on the front that looks like it's from the show Blossom and makes me think only things from the 90's.
If I were a dog, I would totally try to get into Disneyland for free. Though I guess I wouldn't meet the height requirement for the rides. But I could totally eat people's leftover funnel cake. That can't be good for a dog. I hate being a dog.
Dude, if you ever want her back, you're going to have to beg. And write a really creative haiku.
Funny how life is. One minute you're totally destroyed and distraught, despairing and broken-hearted and the next minute you're eating a sandwich. It just puts everything in perspective. If mustard is this good, imagine the condiments of the future.
Sometimes the world answers our questions in mysterious ways.
I asked myself, "Where do I go from here?"
And the answer came to me, seemingly out of nowhere:
"To the left, to the left..."
There's a thin line between being for women's equality and shoving someone onto the ground for giving unwanted help putting on a jacket. But seriously-- if I need help, I'll ask for it. Sorry Robby.
Is it sexism that there's a big difference between being told "you're the funniest girl I know" rather than the funniest person?
It doesn't appear that talking to plants helps them grow better, but it really helps me let out the rage.
Time flies when you're hazing.

Monday, February 26, 2007

Brothers are funny. This is him trying to get off the phone with me.

Brother: Okay, I have to go.
Me: Hey, I'm coming home for spring break soon.
Brother: Alright, it's dinner time, bye.
Brother: I love you.
Me: I'll be back Mar--
Brother: I love you too. Okay, bye.
Worst fortune cookie prediction ever: "You will attend an unusual party."
Like life?
"For our anniversary I finally got what I've always wanted."
"What's that?"
"A restraining order."
If life is a highway, you are a tollbooth.
If she can't remember that it happened and he doesn't want to, then were they ever in the woods?
The Jewish cookies for Purim (hamantashen) are triangular and made with various fillings in the center. They are full of the Jewish humor also-- the good ones are poppyseed, the bad ones are prune and it's nearly impossible to tell the difference between them. Jerry Seinfeld? Funny. Eating prune on accident? Not.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Making a birthday card is a lot more meaningful than buying one. What really gives it that
personal touch is accidentally gluing your own hair to it. It says, I made this myself for you and now you can clone me.
They go together like toothpaste flavor and apple juice.
Do you have to make your bed in prison?

Monday, February 19, 2007

Britney is bald. And it's on CNN's website. What is the world coming to? She should have chosen a dramatic action with less alliteration. Ridiculous.
When it rains it pours...

Not only did I find out today that my favorite professor (whom I am in admiring infatuation with) just got engaged but also that Tom Brady is fathering another woman's baby. And I thought I had such a chance with both of them. Way harsh week it's turning out to be.
Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you got till it's gone.
I've never wanted to play in the snow more than today when most of it melted. Maybe because it was finally warm enough to want to be outside. Bittersweet.
The thing about feeling the worst is that it has to get better. Unless it gets worse. Or bratwurst. That would be worse.
The Jewish optimist: It could be worse.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

I'm looking for a career where I can always wear flip flops and some days make cookies and some days make jewelry and some days go grocery shopping and make collages out of magazines. I think it may involve marrying someone who wants to finance this career.
He filled a swamp with his self pity and spent the afternoons knee-deep wallowing in it.
She spreads heartache like the clap.

Friday, February 16, 2007

If you were to walk in here in the middle of the night and try to sweep me off my feet, it would be difficult because sleeping people are like dead weight.
There's a time in every person's life when there is nothing more rewarding than breaking objects. And that time is February.
"I've never asked you to do anything, have I?"

"No, darling, I don't think you have."

"Well, can I ask a small favor of you?"

"Absolutely-- anything, my love."

"Shut the hell up."
There's something very refreshing and awakening about falling face first in a snowbank. I'm not sure what it is.
What makes groundhogs so all-knowing? Find me a guinea pig, let's figure out when the snow will melt.
Whooping cough would be more fun if it actually made its namesake noise. Whoop, there it is NOT.
If you are trying to woo me, just yell "woo"-- let's not play games.
I bet before Easy Mac, college students just starved. Or ate toast a lot.
I follow the weather predictions like it's Britney Spears' love life. Forecast: sad and cold. I would rather have K-Fed than wintry mix, but nobody's asking me.
Thyme is on my side.
I let you tromp all over my heart with your metaphorically metal cleats but if you think you can walk into my room with wet snow boots on, you have another thing coming.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

I have been bombarded with Valentine's day commercials on the radio and television and in the newspaper for two months now-- since Christmas ended, it's been only preparation for Valentine's Day. It's made me insane. I now feel compelled to receive singing Hallmark cards, teddy bears that kiss, chocolate in the shape of my first born child and jewelry that costs as much as heart surgery in order to know that someone likes me. Make a note of it.
Valentine's Day is to chocoholics as St. Patrick's Day is to alcoholics. Some things are more meaningful when conveyed through analogies.

Today I Learned in Class...

Researchers were looking to invent a less addictive version of morphine when they created heroin. Good job.
There are a lot of sayings about making your own path and not following other people's footsteps, but sometimes doing that involves being up to your knees in snow. Just fyi.
 
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