Watching The Biggest Loser is inspiring until I realize that I will never be able to lose 100 pounds. Sad.

When I first moved to New York, I tried to help tourists find their way even though I didn't know where I was going. I have evolved since then.
Now I try to help them differently, by making suggestions in my head like
Quit being such a douchebag.

There are some eternal rules of dinner conversation.
Do not discuss:
-Money
-Religion
-Politics
-Meat sweats

What do you call an alpha female?
Yea, I couldn't think of a nice word either.
That's unfortunate.

Sometimes I think I am becoming more covert and subtle and reading over people's shoulders.
For example, this morning I read the guy next to me's newspaper for almost the entire ride.
When he finished he turns to me and goes, "You want the paper?"
I guess he didn't realize I'd already read the whole thing.

First there's the book He's just not that into you, then there's the movie He's just not that into you. Now there's the follow up book You're just not that into him either.
Maybe there is a solution to the overpopulation of the planet.

There are some things that are eternal and cannot be touched by all the silly daily things. Like mountains, a mother's love and Paul Simon's genius.

As someone who likes free stuff, you would think that I would like going on dates with strangers more. Not quite as easy and fun as samples at Whole Foods.

I may be a vegetarian slash living-being lover, but I will trap a cockroach underneath a tupperware and suggest that someone else throw him out the window.
I wonder if being an accomplice counts as less bad karma.

I just made more money on Vegas style solitaire than I get on my paycheck.
Good thing it isn't an actual option in Las Vegas.

If you google "cockroach ears" there are just a lot of horrible things about them crawling into ears and now I still do not know if cockroaches can hear/have ears but instead am having a panic attack at work.

Do cockroaches have ears?
I hope yes so that the one that was in my kitchen heard all the things I yelled at him yesterday.

I must look intelligent and knowledgeable.
There is no other explanation for why the woman at work who I've known for one month would ask me about her irregular periods.
Little known fact: Most people in the development department are licensed gynecologists.

There is something a bit concerning about someone hugging and thanking you while saying "I'm going to kill you." Especially if they are a senior member of the Finance department at work.

To prevent catching this swine flu, instead of taking the subway I will walk an hour and a half to work. Even in the rain.
That is how I will stay healthy.

Symptoms of swine flu: fever, cough, sore throat, body aches, headache, chills and hypochondria.
Little known fact: mass panic is also a symptom of swine flu.

I think I'm becoming one of those people at work who nobody knows what they do.
And that includes me.

You know what is surprisingly good for your health?
Not having to go to work.
More time to exercise.
Less stress.
Less money to buy all that "food" you're so fond of.

Old MacDonald's modern farm:

-Rabid dog
-Bird flu
-Mad cow
-Swine flu

E-i-e-i-uh-oh.

Mysteries of the world:

The big bad wolf huffed and puffed all over the place but it's the little pigs who gave us all airborne diseases.

It probably says something about me that I sum up a good first date as "I said lots of weird things and he didn't seem that scared."

Today I resisted the urge to karate chop a man in the back with my open umbrella because he didn't cross the street when everyone else did but instead just stood there right in front of me.
I used to be a nice person.
Maybe I still am until I give in to the urges.