I need online directions mapped with the timing of how long it will take to walk while texting.

It's not that most people on the subway are psycho killers, it's just that if there were psycho killers they would most likely ride the subway.
Just saying.

Explain how someone can be comfortable enough to use another person's hair as dental floss but still does not want to hear that it's almost that "time of the month".

Word to the wise:

The best way to impress girls is to say "chateau" as many times as humanly possible during conversation.

Explain this:

Number = things that make you numb.

There might be nothing worse than bitchy grandmas.

Seeking: someone to pick up after me as I drop things wherever I feel like but would not like them to be there when I return, someone to make food immediately of whatever I would like as soon as I return home, someone to listen to my day while giving me a foot massage.

I guess I want a wife.

Or a very capable dog.

I would rather do just about anything than write cover letters.

But mostly things involving eating or sleeping.

"Yea, well you should expect people in New York to be rude. Just like in Los Angeles you expect people to be... Mexican." -- Todd

Why would the Lord have made bathtubs with drains if you weren't supposed to pee in the shower? --Gandhi

If the average 50 year old Asian looks 30, then the old Asian man on the subway must have been about 147.

Sometimes my tummy hurts in a way that makes me think it would feel better if someone punched me in the stomach.

Doctors, is this possible?

Can I get a grant to find out?

I think that living in a big city too long makes people crazy.

For example: I almost kicked someone in the knees for not giving up his subway seat for what I decided must be the oldest man in the world.

Some people are so disrespectful.

But seriously, Asian people don't age so if he looked that old he must have been at least a thousand.

Looking over my blog and its progression over the years, I realize this is a tangible piece of my life shared with anyone who cares to read it.

And when my time has come it will be there for posterity, and I can know that maybe someone will read it at my funeral and my loved ones can smile with tears in their eyes, silently editing.

I guess finding a career is necessary because pipe cleaner art does not pay the bills.

My dad was telling me the other day that he's found a good approach to not wasting his time with people who just don't care. When he is talking to someone who stops listening, he just stops talking. It seems kind of mean but apparently effective.

The man in the finance office has perfected its efficiency however and just walks away while I am still talking.

I think Al Gore invented the internet with these people in mind.

There are many methods to shoe-tying-- the around the bunny hole and through or the two bunny ears and loop around (both apparently hard to describe without the visuals).

Of all the options, I'd rather knot.

You know what's dumb? Freedom.

I wish instead of having to figure out what I want to do with my life, I only had the option to teach, nurse or birth children.

Unfortunately I cannot cook, refuse to clean and would be a horrible housewife, so I guess I will have to continue pursuing education and being a valuable member of society. Ugh.

Different perspectives make you notice the beauty of things.

For example, how beautiful and calm snow covered cars lining the street are on a winter night.

Made all the more lovely by the fact that I don't have a car.

Jesus seems like a good guy but I've never disliked him more than when he used his powers to inspire this woman to shout about him for twenty minutes straight during the morning commute.

New game, called: Pick Up Line or Schizophrenic Outburst?

#1) Man approaches, asks: Hey, are you Egyptian? (Leaves.)

Conclusion: Turrets.

#2) Guy asks: Do you know where I can find good falafel?

(I shake my head no.)

Do you live around here often?

(I walk away confused.)

Conclusion: Work in progress.

Keeping your eggs all in one basket seems like the most effective mode of transport.

Updated rat count since my time in NYC, one year: 33

Number of rats I pretended were figments of my imagination and/or wrinkled newspaper: 71.

People often use the term "do to something religiously."

But what does "religiously" mean these days?

Religiously = occasionally if I feel extreme guilt unless there are presents

Ex: I work out religiously.

It is mildly creepy (but fairly commonplace) to stare at people on the subway.

And it is mildly normal (and very commonplace) to fall asleep on the subway.

But it is SUPER creepy to fall asleep while staring at someone.

Also there should be rules about sleeping in public with your eyes open.

When you are a child, people tell you that you can be whatever you want.

But they do not tell you this has an expiration date and one day you will have to decide what this "whatever" is.

It is hard to get a scholarship to pursue macaroni jewelry/abnormal psychology/puppies/pretending to speak foreign languages/cupcakes.