Do not shoot for the moon. If you miss. you will land among stars, aimlessly and uncontrollably hurling through space where you will ultimately end up in a black hole with pieces of lost balloons.

My accountant facebook friended me on April 16th.
What does that mean?
-I filed my taxes on time.
-Maybe technology has become too accessible.
-Facebook is officially no longer cool.

Nobody tells you that "meeting people" is really just talking to strangers.
And I was told a long time ago never to do that.
If they have good candy that is a different story.

SWF seeks wealthy massage therapist looking to finance arts and crafts projects.
Must have dog(s) with creative names and like to clean/cook/do laundry/dance to 90s music.

Sometimes getting to know someone is like looking up the lyrics to your favorite club dance song-- you just wish you didn't know what they were saying.

Better name for this than random thoughts: "significant ruminations".

Also explain to me why around 4pm I stop blinking. And make it stop.

If the CEO of your company gives people the silent treatment, maybe it's time to job search.

Passover is like Jewish Lent except not as fun.

Dear Spring,

I don't understand. I love you-- but why are you teasing me? You brought me flowers and now you are being so cold. What is this about?
Please return my calls.