You've made your cake, now sleep in it.

"Do you think that I ask too much of you?"
"No."
"You know that I only ask one thing of you."
"I know."
"And what is that?"
"The List Of Necessaries."
"And what are those?"
"Constant love and attention, playing with your hair, telling you how wonderful you are, listening to your thoughts, sketching pictures of you while you are busy changing the world, being amused by your stories, making you chocolates in interpretive shapes of all your good qualities and honest appreciation of your singing."
"Is that so hard?"
"I'm not sure the arts and crafts store makes candy sheets in interpretive shapes of your good qualities."
"Is that too much to ask for? Respect and understanding of my needs?"
"No, Queen Empress of All."

When you are stressed out and decide that you would be more motivated and re-energized to continue studying if you had some time in the eye shadow (though you just got dressed at 3 in the afternoon into sweatpants) to create the effect of "smokey eyes", make sure to slow down and really relax while applying makeup. The rejuvination effect of putting on eye makeup is immediately counterproductive if done swiftly and violently, resulting in the application of shimmery "Gold Lustre" to the iris and contact lens. It hurts so good.

Do you ever have sudden realizations that you are mortal and could die at any moment? And suddenly you're so happy that you're alive and everything is so great? And then you wonder why life is so short and you spend so much of it not skipping through fields of daisies and eating caramel apples? Turns out the more I think, the less schoolwork I can do.

I'm against the death penalty, but I'm for corporal punishment. And by corporal punishment I mean being forced to listen to country Christmas songs for the rest of your life, possibly while trying to bathe cats.

Being stressed out can totally change one's perception of the world. With finals next week, you don't think "Thank Goodness It's Friday" but "Thank Goodness It's Not Monday Yet". TGINMY doesn't quite have the same flow, but shut up you.

I thought of another one:

Social acceptability and five grams of sugar are the only real differences between those candy dots and just eating paper.

Like its dairy colleagues, yogurt's expiration date is more than a mere suggestion. It's more like a sock to the stomach and then a frolick-y dash away.

Random poems

When I walk, I walk for you because there are many places we could go.
When I cry, I cry for you because your sadness is mine also.
When I dance, I dance for you because I know how you love it so.
When I laugh, I laugh for you because sometimes you're a little slow.

"Your blog isn't funny," he said, because he was extraordinarily infatuated with her genius and wit.
"Maybe you would like it if it were about you," she responded, knowing he was equally infatuated with himself.
"I'm just being honest," he replied, because it is very difficult to argue with that.
"Thank you for your honesty," she said honestly as she restrained herself from punching him in the face. She was pretty sure it wouldn't help anything and, after all, he was the pope.