Theories of Argumentation class would be a lot more interesting if we could learn to master the techniques of argumentative discussion that we used as wise young children.
And out of the mouths of babes:
"Nu uh!"
"Yuh huh."
"Nu uh."
"YU huh!"
"Nu UH!"
"Yea Huh, yea Huh, yea HUH."
"Nu UH nu UH nu UUUUUH."
"Yep."
"Nope."
"Yea huh."
"Nu uh."
Things made more sense then.

People are useless. They know the answer to nothing.
I ask them "Who are you?" "Who am I?" "What are we all doing here?" "What is the purpose of all of this?" "Where will I be in three years?" "What is the meaning of life?" and all I get are blank stares.
Do something people! Answer me! Explain yourselves!
What annoys me the most is when people exist for no discernable purpose.

When you say things like "guess what!" it's just a waste of time because then you have to sit and wait for the other person to respond "what?"
Life is short. Just start with: "I'm about to tell you something and I don't give a crap if you don't care, just pretend to listen!"
Then just continue about when Dane Cook is coming to Chicago or what the new Lyle Lovett music video is about.

She was one of those girls who went to the gym every day in a different matching outfit. They all figured she must have been training for some sport. Really, she only went to the gym to try to seduce people while working out on the crotch machines.

The fun thing about fuh-reezing weather is the messages I leave on people's machines.

"Hi, I was just thinking of you, FUCK! Hope you're doing well-- it is so so so so so so COLD. AH! Um, what was I saying? I miss you, I can't feel my face. I think I still have my feet on but who can be sure? How are your classes going? It's been a while since I've heard from you. GOOD LORD! EEEEEEEEEEH! WIND! Hope you're doing well-- what is the weather there? Here it is COLD and I mean COLD and right now it's COLD COLD! Anyways, hope you're doing well. I have to go because I can't feel my ear. SHIT!"

Maybe people would appreciate their messages if they could only understand them, because I say the whole thing while gritting my teeth and running.

"Though you'll think of me often, I won't think of you," she told him, "except when those questions come up, like they always do, on Family Feud, when the category is 'things you would put in a car trunk'. Then perhaps maybe."

Don't you ever wonder what your life would have been like if you'd been born in a different time period? I tried to imagine if I had grown up in the Wild West. (And by Wild West I definitely do not mean Wild Wild West with Will Smith, though I do wonder about that also, come to think of it.)
I think I would quite possibly have been the worst cowboy the world had ever seen. A Jewish diabetic female vegetarian cowboy? I would have been challenged by everyone to forty thousand duels.
"What do you mean you don't eat meat? Don't even walk any ten paces, I will shoot you right here on the spot. No, you don't deserve my bullets. Hey, Johnny, get Billy over here and let's poke her to death."

The thing about winter is that it's really cold. Yes, I came up with that myself, thanks for asking. But the point is, people wear so many clothes when it's cold and that makes it really hard to check guys out. Everytime I'm like, "oh he could be cute" I think that he could be completely bald and I would know. He could have no ears and no knees and no belly button and how would I know? Everything is covered.
This is a lucky season for people missing elbows to get some action.

We only have three hours off from school on Martin Luther King Jr Day. Which means that we still have to go to class. It makes sense really, because Martin Luther King Jr probably had to go to school on his birthday also. And so do I on my birthday. But one day people won't have to go to school on my birthday because I haven't thought of a reason why yet, but I'm working on it.
Any suggestions?

You never know who your real friends are until...

You never know who your real friends are until you hire a private detective.

You never know who your real friends are until you ask them constantly and repeatedly again and again.

You never know who your real friends are until they all turn out to be pirates and you have to walk the plank.

You never know who your real friends are until you walk around and count them all at the zoo.

You never know who your real friends are until you're allowed to be a background dancer in their rap video.

You never know who your real friends are until you confess that you slept with her brother who is really your illegitimate cousin who once stole your father's identical twin brother's inheritance.

You never know who your real friends are until you have the facebook.

You never know who your real friends are until the time comes to wrestle in jello. Don't you worry. The time will come...

Life is like a box of chocolates because it's all melty and sticks to my fingers. No, that's how caramel is like a box of chocolates. My mistake.

I don't understand when people say
"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me"
because no-- shame on you still. Get a hobby and quit wasting your time with all fooling.

The only way to really show that you trust your significant other is to let them cut your hair. Also, to let them see if they can spend all of your money that you have in just one day. After that day, you'll know whether or not it's love, trust me. Your hair looks great!

It is hard to convey "air quotes" on the phone. Come to think of it, "in writing" also.

Perhaps the reason I cannot yet understand the world is that people keep sending me contradicting messages.

People say "To save room, consolidate", then they say "Don't put all your eggs in one basket".

People say "Make change", then they say "Cashier does not take bills larger than twenty dollars".

People say "Location, location, location", then they say "Excuse me, what are you doing on my front lawn?"

Make up your mind.

Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston broke up.
A roar of celebration could be heard from thousands of deluded people around the world who for a second thought they might have a chance with either or both of them.
At least I'm in touch with reality. I know that if I wait long enough, eventually Tom Brady or Dane Cook or Jack Handey or Lyle Lovett or Theo Epstein or Jon Stewart or all of above will find me.
And I'll be ready. Well, I might need like five minutes to finish getting ready, but I'll be here.

I wish we could treat life like we treat sports on television and just scream at whoever we wanted while eating chips.

"It's time to move on."
"But I just can't forget about you."
"You're going to have to."
"Yea I know, but the pen on my hand won't come off."
"Did you try washing it with soap?"
"Uh yea."
"Did you use sharpee?"
"No, what do you think I am?"
"Well did you rub it really hard?"
"Hold on, lemme try that."

The thing about deciding that being on hold is the perfect time to tell the receiver what you really think of the person on the other line is that people can come back from putting you on hold whenever they want. Just like the touch of a button.

Sometimes I like to rewind and replay the past and judge its cinematography. And who the hell was in charge of costume? I need to rethink whoever is in charge of hair and make up as well. Excellent casting however in my opinion.
The sound track though is a little bit trite.

My Favorite No Banks Open This Monday Joke

Q: What do Abraham Lincoln, George Washington and Martin Luther King Jr have in common?

A: They were all born on holidays!

I don't believe anything I read online, but if it's printed in a pamphlet it must be true.
Anything written in graffiti has come to me through the will of a higher power. All messages on billboards have been designed by the underworld. Commercials are truths told through happy pictures.
Scratch and Sniff stickers are the olfactory way of interpretive dance. Mr Sketch Markers are the easiest way to get me excited.
I'm learning to read the writing on the wall and not to chew the gum off the sidewalk.
Life is a lesson best learned by making high pitched screeching noises.
Trust me. Try it. You'll learn things you never knew.
Like how little patience the average person riding public transportation has.
Who made up the rules to this game?

We have new toilet paper dispensers in the bathroom that now have Northwestern University logos on them. So that you know what school you're at if you forget while you're throwing up?
At least I know where our tuition money goes.

Perhaps it would be better spent buying every student a weiner dog. Or maybe just thousands of weiner dogs for me. Yes, definitely the latter.

In public speaking we have to present our peers. Today a guy described another girl in the class, and her story was that she turned down being a huge singing star in Asia to come to school here. I know, I'm confused too. I mean, I turned down being a huge singing star in Germany, but Asia is different.
I felt really bad for the person who had to go after that presentation and talk about his experiences in sorting his stamp collection.

He began speaking and those weird notations for unfamiliar math equations tumbled out followed by music notes I'd never seen before, which in turn were followed by un-nameable colors and perhaps Japanese symbols. He said this all in pig latin rhyming sonnets while hitting himself on head with a ping pong paddle.
This might be a red flag for the rest of the quarter if I can't even understand the description of the course.

The thing about public speaking class, is that we are expected to speak in public. And it was just the first day!
I got nervous when I knew my name was coming during role call.
Should I say "here" or "present"?
I went with "here".
It seemed to work out okay.
We shall see how the rest of the class goes.