Nothing starts a morning at work like oatmeal straight to the pants.

I might love someone as much as I love Two For Tuesdays on the radio (when they play two songs by the same artist in a row), but it's going to take a long time for anyone to surpass Saturday Night 90's.

Why do people think that Friday the 13th is unlucky?
It's Friday.
TGIF > Friday the 13th
You know what is unlucky? Monday the 13th.

Sometimes I write myself notes in shorthand and have trouble understanding them later.
Perhaps you can explain to me my previous logic in the random thought below:

Living with too many people closer together has its consequences.
Like a bubble covered in spikes that shoots poison lasers.

It must have something to do with evolution and riding the subway, but I'm not sure what.
I even out weird myself occasionally.

Through the magic of scrambling letters, we can learn about relationships we never knew about.
For example: live, evil.

Explain this though: box set, sex bot.

No more dvd collections for me.

Dear Sir occupying Seat 17E :

You have two choices-- overwhelming and overpowering cologne-- or the armrest.
And it appears you have already made your choice.
I will be collecting what is rightly mine.

Sincerely,
Seat 17F

Do people change? Can things evolve until they fit together better than they did before?
I was contemplating the big questions until an answer arrived in front of me-- a large man, wearing a camouflage poncho, accessorized with a pink do-rag underneath a red cowboy hat.
And I realized: some things are just meant to go together.

I'm not scared of my own shadow.
I am scared of the horrible stalker I imagined my shadow to be.

Only in New York: guy on the subway with a bouquet of ten foot bamboo poles.

I bet whoever inspired the song "Dude looks like a lady" is both happy and sad to be so famous.

If I had to do everything over again, why did I spend all that energy doing it the first time?

The biggest problem with popcorn is that you can smell it much longer than you can taste it.

Today I discovered pumpkin pie flavored candy corn.

Take that, atheists. Can there be more proof?

Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you got till it's gone. But the important part is treasuring the time you had together instead of wallowing in the sadness of the loss. So goodbye, vanilla scented shower gel. You were so fragrant you were almost edible.

But everybody knows, almost doesn't count.

Whoever designed our bathroom believed in training through the well-known school of shock therapy. You will quickly learn to turn the light on outside of the bathroom because instead of the switch on the inside you found the extremely heated pole. And you will remember.

You know what they say: a chocolate eyeball a day keeps the doctor away.

To be honest, this could all be a figment of my imagination, so I will not be making copies for the finance department.

Dating is like trying to find a needle in a pile of garbage.

The stun gun: a restart button for people.