"I just look down, and there's amniotic fluid everywhere."

Christina Aguilera: If you wanna be with me, baby there's a price to pay.

Sorry to burst bubbles, but that description doesn't really sound like a genie...

Cold weather count

Forlorn-looking lost single gloves: 4

Rat count for the New Year: 6 (including a romantic couple)

If you walk into a store and, standing in front of rows of bright glittering wrappers, your candy of choice is Dots, I think less of you.
It's just buying fruit flavored cavities.

You might not be reading a legitimate newspaper if:

- They use more than one play on words per headline. Example: Sexual Healing for Caged Tiger

- They ever use the term "horndog rehab"

If you choose red or white wine depending on what color your shirt is, you might not be considered a wine connoisseur.

Stressing about above-average cholesterol levels to the point where all you want is chocolate or alcohol is probably not the best solution. I'm not a doctor though.

The friend of my enemy is my enemy.
The enemy of my friend is my enemy.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend.
I don't have a lot of enemies,
but often the friend of my friend is super annoying.
Explain.

MLK Day makes me think about all the people in the world doing amazing things for humanity and why don't we get to stay home from work on their birthdays too?

The problem with trying to be useful helping others choose wedding color schemes is that I don't even see the purpose of having tablecloths.
Maybe my wedding tables will be covered with paper and everyone will get Mr. Sketch markers. Or that would be a pre-school classroom.

Will power is a limited resource-- there's only so much to go around. I can't resist the chocolate in the office because all my will power is already spent by resisting the urge to run screaming out of here.