If you like it then you should-a dressed up in matching Halloween costumes.

If you like it then you should-a put a facebook status on it.

Stop ignoring me and just leave me alone.

During these troubled times, one learns to be suspicious of those overdressed for warmth and hiding something dangerous, like people wearing parkas during the summer. For some reason I feel the same suspicion towards those underdressed for cold, like maybe they are robots without sensitivity to temperature.

Signs I'm losing my mind:
I wrote myself a note on my hand an hour ago that says "TD" and I have no idea what that means. Hopefully I wrote a glossary somewhere else.

My brother remixes Nelly Furtado:

I'm like a bird-- I like to poop on cars.

Maybe I am oversensitive, but it makes me mad that I get up early for work, take the train in, and then have to wait for the xerox machine to exit sleep mode.
We can't all snooze until 8:30.

With everyone beginning to get engaged and married, I realize that I should start my dream wedding plans.

Attire: informal party, like my Bat Mitzvah, probably wearing the same jean overalls.
Food: chocolate fountains, waterfalls, rivers and oceans.
Decoration: edible flowers, petting zoo.
Entertainment: DJ with same playlist as my Bat Mitzvah, circa 1997.
(Husband "surprise" serenade with Barenaked Ladies "If I had a million dollars")
Celebrity guest: Jon Stewart
Ceremony: includes family vs. inlaws at Family Feud

Romantic, no?
In looking at this written out, it sounds a lot like a county fair.
I'm okay with that.
Also I am mostly serious about all of it.

If someone really studied this blog with the goal to win my love, they would find all the answers.
And then I would probably avoid them for being such a creepo.

People say you should be yourself on dates, but quirky seems a lot like crazy upon first impression.

If I had a bell I would dress up like Santa and annoy everyone with it.

If I had a hammer, I'd hammer in the morning.
If you had a hammer and hammered in the morning, I would probably call the police.

Sometimes I congratulate myself on not falling asleep during a meeting and then realize I kept myself awake by cracking my knuckles and checking my watch.

One day I will learn to be a grown up. But today was not that day.

Love does not feel like a battlefield to me.
Maybe I’m doing it wrong?

Helpful hint: It is always too early for bagpipes.

There's something to be said for the process of "getting to know" a person, going on dates and spending time going out on the town with someone.
But really I just want to watch TV in sweatpants together.

Sometimes I have long stretches of being unproductive but I counteract this with brief flashes of super-efficiency like eating a string cheese in the shower.

It is unfortunate that I am better at trash talking than most any other activity.

Sometimes I think I would like to improve my vocabulary and start using longer and more impressive words.
Sometimes I would like to incorporate the phrase "shit on a stick" more frequently in my daily usage.

The other day I asked the four year old boy I was babysitting how old he thought I was.
He went through the numbers: one... two... three... my cousin is three, four... I'm four, five... my other cousin is five... six-- and asked me: are grown ups ever six?
No, I told him, grown ups are very rarely six.

People say "kill them with kindness", but it's really much faster just to kill them.