Serena's Guide to Wooing Men:

1) Accuse them of having a wife.

2) Mock said wife's inability to decorate their apartment.

3) Impress them with your Jewish mother-like ability to feed others by offering them some of the Ziploc bag full of pasta in your purse.

We can learn some important things from the movie Babies:

1) babies are hilarious and cute
2) babies are more hilarious and cute when combined with farm animals

Conclusion: before you have a baby, buy some cattle.

A lot of people heart New York, but they don't know what a spiteful city it is.
Right as I'm about to leave it, interested guys just appear out of nowhere like magic.

Good one, City. Hilarious.

One of the great challenges of dating in the 21st century is how to maintain being an independent feminist while paying for as little as possible.

Jewish interpretation of Easter: Something something about Jesus, then let's go to Costco on Monday and buy mass amounts of candy on sale.

Sometimes I think that I eavesdrop subtly until the family I've been trying to translate says goodbye to me on their way off the train.

Success is measured by how many 4 year olds invite you to their birthday parties.

The problem with moving is that you have to evaluate the worth of everything you own based on the answer to "Do I want to carry this?" and I'll probably need more to survive than this fancy lamp.

I'm glad I'm not a dentist because:

- omg-- gum disease, gross
- how guilty I'd feel when I forget to floss
- could never get all 5 of my dentistry school friends to agree on anything

The special thing about the ladies restroom at bars is that you can get free women's health advice from people you just met who have no idea what they're talking about.

Phonological realizations: everything sounds wiser and more fun when said with a Jamaican accent.

Fun fact: WebMD's sponsor is the American Hypochondria Awareness Organization.
Another fun fact: every symptom means I'm having a brain aneurysm.

Where do baby carrots come from?

-I'll tell you when you're older.